My life, through my eyes.

http://www.yourtvseries.net/american-horror-story/season-01-episode-07-open-house/

I mean i am at the “biggest” i’ve ever been 138.0 pounds and i feel GOOD, i feel thin, a bit healthy like i have a good body, and best part I EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT. and one time my back hurt so i had this guy crack my back and he said ” oh you are heavier than i thought” and i was like “well yeah cause i have an ass and my bones actually weight something” and so what if i have pear shaped thighs they arent filled with cellulite, they are a size 4 which is pretty fucking good if you ask me. 

Also i stoped straightning my hair, so now it is at its natural curly state, and i got so many compliments that i dont think i’ll straighten it again… i really dont.

I didnt come to this in a day, it is a hard working process where you have to take risks. and yes i still get urges but you learn to deal. as long as you dont cave in you’ll be fine.

Its almost a year to my suicide attempt and in february a year without cutting woould’ve been a year today but i caved in february. 

Best of luck to everyone, 
i love you all message me if you ever need me. ( i may not post regulary but i do check it daily) 

it had been very long since i’ve felt, bad… since i havent logged on in a LONG while. But today it decided to come fucking back. and now i want to cry. but my body wont let me produce tears. and i feel like im alone, and no one wants me. and i had gotten over this. but its back. the voices telling me im shit, are back. i had worked so hard to get them out, or block them out. and now they are back. i hate this. i dont know if maybe i lost focus and the took advantage, but fuck. 

and also i’m about 9 months cut free… and i’ve spoken with a few people about it, new people. Because i am  was better and i’m not ashamed of my past and i don’t want it to be taboo, but the last one was a week ago and i didn’t want him to change his attitude towards me and he said he wouldn’t but i think he did … we barely talk… AND I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKING JUDGE BY MY GODDAMN PAST. 

I MADE MISTAKES, I INFLICTED FUCKING PAIN ON MYSELF FOR OVER 3 YEARS, BUT I’VE BEEN “SOBER” FOR OVER 9 MONTHS , SURE THE BATTLE ISNT OVERAND  YES I GET URGES FROM TIME TO TIME BUT I AM NOT THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. I KNOW OTHER WAYS TO COPE. dont judge me for my past. dont stop being my friend for something i dont even do anymore. god. i hate this. 

So, yesterday i woke up reaaaaaaaaaaaally late like at 1 pm so I ate breakfast and didnt eat up until like 7pm. Not because i wanted to starve ( i dont think that is even considered starving) just i was busy and not hungry. 

So i go downstairs at 7 and my sister is like, “you havent eaten… you arent starving, are you?” and im like “wtf dude I ate lunch and now im going to eat dinner, what are you counting my calories?!” she responds ” well you are prone to starving, you have before” in my head i am like “the only time i have you werent even here so what the fuck is she talking about” but instead i said “i am eating, get your facts straight and stop.”

i got mad. 

samifuxkingam:

cuttingdiaries reblogged your post: Did anyone else hear that Selena Gomez is going to…

i did, i dont want her…be Hannah, she doesn’t convince me… what do you think?

I don’t know if she’ll be able to pull it off. I can’t see her being Hannah…and doesn’t she have blond hair in the book?

I cant see her like Hannah either, I mean I cant see her like a depressed girl. She just always been the pretty girl, with some problems but she’s always happy .. I’m not sure she’ll do her well ..

In the book it is never said that she has blonde hair, its just the cover that has a blonde haired girl. 

(via samifuxkingam-deactivated201204)

samifuxkingam:

Did anyone else hear that Selena Gomez is going to star as Hannah in the movie adaptation of 13 Reasons Why ????

i did, i dont want her to be Hannah, she doesn’t convince me… what do you think?

(via samifuxkingam-deactivated201204)

and you’re like you dont know me.. much less understand me.